Yesterday night, I was feeling rather depressed over several matters, work, family and otherwise. The feeling that I was well and truly alone, treading each step home with only the squeaking sound of the trolley to accompany. The feeling and knowing that for the next few years I would constantly be fighting an uphill battle, and being unsure at the same time whether it was a battle worth fighting. Spoke with K on the way home in the taxi (we had a work gathering), and he told me that I would be alone in the matter, that it was separate from the organization, and that if I persisted in qualifying in law, I might find myself back in the organization without any place left for me. For I was unimportant in the overall scheme of things, and there were always other group concerns to think about (yes, the social contract theory which by now, a lawyer would fully instinctively understand).
(I hate it the way people perceive the way I can always take things lightly in my life, that they so easily refer to breaking the bond even in a joking sense, that I am taking the organisation and what I do lightly just because I have a better financial situation. That qualifying and becoming a lawyer is just an afterthought matter to me. That finding my place and meaning in the organization is something that will merely come to be. That the unhappy relationship I have with my parents is easily resolvable. That the things I love and the causes I care about are just an afterthought hobby. That the relationship is a current temporal desirable situation. I do everything with a secret careful consideration some do not realize).
Suddenly I had that feeling and perspective, of feeling ancillary to lately everything in my life, despite fighting to be a stable and desired part. Which woman desires to hear that she is ancillary, both in love and work? Or that I would belong in the realm of ‘good memories’, and not be perceived as part of a common future, is a quiet aching feeling in my heart.
J analyzed it for me, that I was too used to winning, too used to fighting alone, too used to wanting to be outstanding, and gradually I would be fighting alone in the future of my battles. It is suddenly a place where suddenly what was once outstanding is now redundant, something to be battered down, the things I care for are meant to be hidden, the causes I care for are naive and belong to a childish part of nature, like memories of an old lemonade stand play memory.
But these things are important to me, and these are things I care for, but I constantly feel alone in fighting for all these (and the fatal nature of the battle). In a way, this is why I have always had a soft spot for Joseph Conrad’s Lord Jim.
Still, tired and depressed, I came home and immediately called Beansprouts.
“Helloo…”, said Beansprouts in sleepy voice.
Suddenly it meant everything in the world to me.
When all is down, I suppose I can always remember Peanuts ‘rare gem’ philosophy, and the feeling of having a best friend in the world, to make tiramisus out of depressions, and who understands my 42nd street jokes. Where knowledge about road directions do not matter, and hearing him sing Amelie’s dominant tune suddenly brings a little sprinkle of happiness, that ‘hunny feeling’ in your stomach that Pooh sings about. Remembering that we are going to be full lawyers together, master financial assistance with pride and one day write a company or jurisprudence law book together (complete with kitchen recipes!)
The secret knowledge that Beansprouts will be a forever TH and best friend.
Yes, Beansprouts deserves a grape juice badge of his own.