Felt very depressed today, various things transpired such that at the end I felt so guilty and sorry about the whole matter and really mad at myself. And I hate to be in the position feeling that I am going with the cycle of everything and not being in control. I don’t love the Chinese New Year (Beansprouts, you know this full well) and so I have decided to make my own list of Christmas convictions of all the things I’ve been personally frustrated about recently, and am determined to make this list work out somehow. I might not be as intelligent, or meticulous, or as talented as other individuals in the world, but one thing is right, I can be compulsive and obsessively so. I don’t know how long this can last, but hopefully some years ahead I can turn back to this list and remember it as a turning point (with some public sentiment, even)
1. To be more meticulous. (This has always been a personal weakness, back in the days of high school and onwards, for I am not the best detail person.) But from tomorrow, if I have to, I will write it out in big letters and copy and paste it in my mind. I will strive never, never to make any mistake on detail again.
2. To be in control – Another of my sore points, because I have the worst memory in the world and when I am busy, forget so many different things in my schedule. Starting tomorrow, I will write down every single little detail or thing that I have to accomplish in my notebook even if its photocopying a dratted email and do ticking lists if I have to. I must make it a point to know where things come from and where things go to.
3. To be in control part 2– Recently I feel as if I am cruising along. Which is a horrible feeling. Starting from tomorrow, to work to midnight if I have to finishing everything outstanding, so that I can have a new start and finish everything I have by the end of the year.
4. To be in control part 3 – To take my new boss as a personal example, and read everything, be in control of cases from everyone, to be up to date on where we are and read that Minibonds report and be an expert on every area I come in touch with.
5. To become a finance expert – To stop cruising along for CFA and really study my heart and weekends out. To sign up for a course if necessary to force me to study. To read economics till I can write theory papers. To keep up with the news. To begin studying technical analysis again. To stop half past six efforts.
6. To stop getting addicted to luxuries – To stop visits to EGL, except on needed sales. To say goodbye to random book reading, and to start reading for a purpose. To stop shopping randomly. To stop facebooking perpetually. If need be, to begin that law/finance blog which is long due and concentrate on analysing at least one case or an area of finance a day. To stop being a dilettante in everything I do and concentrate on building up expertise. Think of Daniel. To be obsessive in things that mean something. No more movies and random song logging. To record down progress here or in meaningless letters to Beansprouts which he unfortunately has to read if necessary.
7. To stop making excuses– Instead of being defensive, then emo, and then shopping a whole lot or crying the same to get over it or anything like that, to concentrate on getting bigger and better.
8. To draw closer to God, because he is the start and end of all things.